The BAFTA nominations were announced today. But it’s a long month till we find out the winners, so I’m taking it upon myself to hand out awards instead:
DAFTA Award: The daftest movie of the year is always a hotly contested category. The crowd-funded Iron Sky, in which Nazis return from a secret base installed in 1945 on the dark side of the moon, must have thought it had the DAFTA in the bag. Then along comes FDR: American Badass, which upped the ante with Nazi werewolves pitted against a President Roosevelt in a pimped-out wheelchair.
GAFTA: The 2012 movie with the most gaffes is, officially, Avengers Assemble, with 22 bloopers spotted by www.moviemistakes.com. Or maybe there are just more trivia-obsessed geeks watching it than any other film.
HAFTA: For the movie that you just have to see. The Hobbit might have won if Peter Jackson hadn’t bloated the film to three parts. Instead the clear winner is Skyfall, which broke UK records to take over £100 million (and £1 billion worldwide).
LAFTA: Ted will be on many people’s lists for funniest film of 2012 (and, I know, on a lot of people’s least funny list). But I’d like to give it to Sightseers, as a serial-killing caravannist is mildly more out there than a beer-swilling teddy bear. And it’s British. So there.
NAFTA: Naffest film of 2012? Rock of Ages. No other contender comes close. It’s toe-curling to see major stars in such drek: Tom Cruise jumping the sofa on Oprah was less naff than his performance here. Mediocre songs, cliched storyline and witless dialogue are all delivered with toothpaste-ad enthusiasm that make it all the more tragic.